Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything

“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” 

So goes Fr. Arrupe's famous quote, that has probably changed the lives and guided generations of young people like me who are searching for who and what we ultimately give our hearts and our lives to, and what makes this life worth living. The other night, our eldest son Aaron was looking for his baby photos, and in the process of looking for his albums, I also unearthed old photo albums of my youth. 

I never really thought much when I was making those albums. To me, it was a wonderful time in my life that I just wanted to capture at that moment, but after a decade, I find myself so grateful that I did it. They were right - a picture does speak a thousand words. More than that, it evokes a thousand more memories, unlocks a thousand more emotions and teaches you a thing or two about your own life. 

In those pages I found the people that mattered to me the most. I remembered my friends from Bagong Silang, Batang Angkop (as we called ourselves... haha!) that knocked down the Adduru home and built that historic first "GK" house, that walked the eskinitas, that stayed late at night and came early in the morning to plant the seeds of the work that would eventually become GK. I almost cried seeing pictures of the SIGA in Bagong Silang, and discovered that I could still remember their names and I could still remember conversations with them, especially the ones that really shaped and molded my own convictions about service, justice, purpose, and my God. 

I found photos of the early GK communities, and the brave pioneers that started the work from a one page "manual" with a simple formula of 30/30/10. I'm sure none of us would have imagined that the simple work and walk of faith would somehow give birth to a spirit that is now sweeping across the nation and is going to change the world through a culture of caring and sharing. Yup, it's an open secret. Our success is in our very name. We give care, and it transforms. Not just the people we care for, but our very selves. 

I realize now how much truth there is in Luis' words when he says, "Love at first site." I didn't know it then, but I fell in love with Bagong Silang. I fell in love with Tambacan. I fell in love with Bagsak. I fell in love with Lobregat. I fell in love with each and every GK community, every caretaker and every GK resident that I came into contact with. 

I even fell in love and married a GK volunteer :) 

And I did so in a "final and absolute way," so much so that it defined my leaps of faith and healed a heart that I thought then was broken and beyond repair. This final and absolute love continues to change my life. 

It has become the reason why I continue to wake up everyday with this burning fire and passion for mission. I have gotten used to people commenting all the time that I have fire in my belly, and I do. I am a wife, mom and missionary (a friend, a sister, a daughter, a tita or ninang, a co-servant) and I pray everyday for the grace to fulfill those roles. I burn for service, and I am convinced it is what I was brought into this world for. Everything that I have witnessed points me to one simple truth that I carry in my heart - God called us into the world to love and to serve. 

This love decides what I do with my evenings, my weekends, what I read and my every waking moment. They are spent to serve and care for my husband, children, all the people in my life, and the mission I've given my life to. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Lord not just for giving me GK, but also for surrounding me with so many beautiful souls that I have the privilege of calling family, friends and co-servants. I know each one was carefully handpicked by God, and brought to me at just the right time to help me become person I am today. 

But most importantly, as Fr. Arrupe said, this love decides what breaks my heart, and what amazes me with joy and gratitude. I continue to learn, time and again, that giving your heart to something and someone gives you the greatest happiness but also, the deepest heartbreak. There is that slow, subtle dance between immense joy and agonizing sorrow, but I have learned that it is part of the rhythm of life and we must simply learn to dance, one step at a time. The only way to dance well is to abandon control and give yourself completely to the Author of the music, the Master of the dance. 

I've also come to accept that who or what you fall in love isn't really your choice. There have been times, (and there are still times) when I wish I could choose who and what my heart falls for. I wish I could choose people easier to love, work assignments that are more comfortable. But I can't. 

These are the Divine Appointments in my life, and I welcome the moments when I find someone or something that ABSOLUTELY captures my heart. I recognize it now as a rare and beautiful gift; I embrace it when it happens and I don't question why it is given. Each one is but one more lesson in loving - the refiner's fire at work, fulfilling God's Holy Desire to bring out the gold in each one of us. 

It is difficult and painful, but pain nourishes courage. And a good heartbreak is always worth it, because that is the only way for our souls to expand, and for us to grow. 

As one of my favorite quotes goes : "I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." 

So although I can't choose who or what I fall in love with, I can choose to stay passionately in love, because it is in these relationships and commitments that I find God. And in those moments of grace when I see Him, face to face, in the people I love and care for and in the mission He has called to do, I am happiest. Then the pain is a small price to pay because you choose, in Mother Teresa's words, to "love until it hurts no more." 

And that, as Fr. Arrupe said, decides everything.